Passing Away

My dad passed away on Saturday, June 1st.  My sister and I were in the room.  Our husbands were near by.  Dan and I flew up to Great Falls, Montana, where he lived, the day before.  We had known for 3 or 4 weeks that he was struggling, but until we landed on Friday, we didn't know the end was so close.

When we saw him on Friday night, he still recognized us. He wasn't able to say much, but we knew he knew we were there. We spent a few hours with him on Friday night and several hours on Saturday. Most of the time he was in a morphine assisted sleep.

After we returned from getting some dinner on Saturday, at about 6:00pm, we could tell he wasn't doing well. We called my sister to make sure she was coming over.  My dad was struggling to breathe. Dan and I both thought he might die, but I wasn't really prepared for it.

While my sister and I were sitting next to him, a thought came to my mind.  I wondered whether he felt like he could leave. I asked my sister what she thought. She then told him that he was free to go, that she would be okay and that he didn't need to stay and protect and provide for her anymore. (My dad had fulfilled that role for her at different times in her life.)

After my sister made those comments he opened his eyes wider than I'd ever seen them opened. He looked up from right to left several times in a very startled manner. Then he sat up in bed, winced in pain two times and then fell back down on the bed.

I tried to find a pulse, but couldn't. He was gone.

Within 5 minutes of my sister telling him he was free to go, he was gone.

That was the first time I had ever been with someone when they passed or died. I had always expected it to be a peaceful, spirit filled experience. It wasn't like that. That troubled me. For the next few hours I wondered why he didn't smile, reach for the light, say the name of someone who had previously passed, etc. That was what I'd expected.

Later that night, when I was praying, I asked Heavenly Father what had happened. Why wasn't it a peace-filled passing? The answer I received was, "He didn't understand what was happening."

That made me feel sad. I wish I had told him what to expect. I think I didn't because I didn't want to offend him. He wasn't LDS and only sporadically attended any church. Even if I had offended him, that would have been better than "not understanding what was happening" when he was passing.

I made a mistake. I won't make that same one in the future. I'll worry more about helping increase understanding than possibly offending.

An Unexpected Gift

We received an unexpected gift last night.  It was remarkable and will be remembered and cherished.

We are having a neighborhood donut party tonight.  Our family has had donut parties, it seems like, forever. We make the donuts and the toppings. Then people come and enjoy them.

Since the donut party is today, I had to make all the frostings yesterday.  Last night, about 7:00pm, I was still making the frostings and I was tired--really tired. Dan had fixed dinner for the kids. After one of the kids (our 19 year old) finished eating he offered to help.  Then Dan offered.  Then another child (our 22 year old)  did.  Finally the third child (our 27 year old) did as well.

I really appreciated the help. They unwrapped and cut up loads of Snickers bars and Reese's cups. The help was nice, but the effect of that help is what was unexpected and amazing. All of a sudden our entire home was filled with a tender and sweet spirit. It was almost tangible.  For a second I thought about turning on the TV to watch Derek Hough dance in the finals of DWTS, but quickly checked myself.  I wasn't going to lose this spirit no matter who was dancing.

It remained for at least a half an hour--until I realized I needed 6 more ounces of Snickers and another bottle of vanilla. I am so grateful for that moment in time. It was truly a gift.

A Fiat 500 in Hawaii

I don't know about you, but every May is crazy.   The month rivals and sometimes surpasses even December.

In May, kids are finishing up school with all the activities associated with it: concerts, programs, finals, graduations, etc.  People in almost every area are trying to get things "finished" before everyone takes off for the summer.  Vacations are being planned. Most parents are panicking knowing their children will be home, all day, for the next couple of months.

What does the month of May have to do with a blog post entitled A Fiat 500 in Hawaii?

My husband, Dan, and I just returned from a week long trip in Hawaii.  Yes, we did it in May. Crazy? You bet, but we were celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary.  We went to Hawaii on our honeymoon and planned to go back on our 10th anniversary.  However, our 10th anniversary came in May.  So, we thought we'd try our 20th anniversary. Once again, it came in May.  Funny thing, huh? Well, several months ago we intelligently recognized the fact that our 30th anniversary would also come in May.  We decided we just had to buy the tickets, rent the condo and go.  We'd deal with the May issues upon our return.

We went.  We had a wonderful time and several remarkable experiences. One of those experiences involved a Fiat 500.  Before I say anything more, I need to apologize to any readers who may have a Fiat 500.  Enough said.

Since it was just the two of us we decided to rent a compact car. Our idea of compact and Alamo's were quite different. When the agent took us to our car,  I stopped in my tracks. Was that the whole car?  Was he crazy? There was no way we were going to drive that thing.  Dan and I looked at each other.  And, after having spent 7 hours on a very cramped plane and another hour getting to the "enter the rental car" stage, we shrugged our shoulders and got in.

Driving the car was an adventure.  I referred to it as a tin can on wheels.  Dan said he felt like he was driving a go-cart.  Driving on the freeway next to semis was "invigorating".

Although we weren't staying in Honolulu, we were nearby one day when we decided to get something to eat.  We thought we'd try The Rainbow Drive-In, one of Guy Fieri's Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives restaurants (it's a food network show).  Of course we got lost, took the wrong exit, couldn't find the street (all this while using an ipad map for directions).  At one point, when we thought we were close, we got in the lane to turn left.  As it turned out, left turns weren't allowed there.  We found ourselves trying to turn left in an intersection, with a red light facing us, cars coming from many directions and a large semi-like truck heading right for us.

Some questions arose:  did we sign some sort of release when we agreed to take this car; do our children know where our wills are; what will people think when they read that two attorneys were killed in Hawaii when trying to find a Guy Fieri restaurant while driving a Fiat 500?

The truck stopped.  We survived.  We even found the restaurant.

The thing I finally grew to appreciate about the Fiat 500 was that even though it was May, and we were in Hawaii celebrating our 30th anniversary,  it made me feel like we were back in college.  Driving that car was not the responsible, mature, sensible thing to do.  But it sure made life exciting!  It turns out this May and that Fiat 500 made me feel young!

Different Yet the Same

We just held our semi annual Stake Conference.  It was wonderful.  I think it changed me.

While there I felt such a strong sense of family and community.  I felt connected to those of our faith as well as others.  We are a community--different from each other--yet the same, in so many ways.

The speakers who spoke enriched my life.  Some were long time members of the LDS church.  Others were recent members.  They were different, yet the same.  Just like all of us.

Different yet the same.

I hope I will be better in reaching out to others.  My husband, Dan, is such a great example in this area. I'll try.

Stake Temple Day

Yesterday was our Stake Temple Day.  For some that may not be a significant event.  For me it is huge.  It is something I look forward to, as much as any holiday.  Our stake focuses on the temple.

Ever since my husband has been Stake President, we have spent the entire day in the temple on Stake Temple Day.  That may sound daunting or overwhelming to some.  I'm sure it did to me the first time. But now, it fills me with a spirit of peace and longing.  We arrive early in the morning. Yesterday we got there before 5:00am.  We leave at night. Yesterday we left about 8:00pm.

At different times we have done various ordinances on that day.  The last three Stake Temple Days have been different.  Instead of performing ordinances, we wait in the foyer and greet stake members as they arrive. It has been an amazing experience. Throughout the day, hundreds of members from our stake come through the temple doors.

They are filled with love, devotion to the Lord and appreciation and dedication to the temple. It is an honor to greet them and share those feelings with them.

Being in the temple with our stake members has created a true feeling of family for me.  I am the only member of the Church in my family, so this extended stake family is so very important to me.

If you want to feel close to the Savior and to your "family", attend the temple.

God's People Have Always Been Immigrants

I saw this headline when I looked on www.azcentral.com last Sunday.  It caught my attention.  I agreed with the statement.  It fit right in with my changing view on immigration.

For years, in Arizona, immigration has been a real concern.  It has been a contentious issue.  My response was always something like, "I think whoever wants to live here should be allowed to, as long as they are paying taxes".

Things got heated up with SB1070.  A short time later the Church issued a statement with regard to immigration that initially took me back.  It said something along the lines of accepting everyone, just as the Savior would/did. I thought a lot about that.  Were immigrants "illegal aliens" or "undocumented immigrants"?

Since that statement was issued by the Church, I have searched the scriptures for extra direction.  I have been amazed at what I have found.  Everywhere, everywhere, there are examples of being charitable, and accepting those who have left their homeland, by choice or force. Next time you're reading, look for them.

I've learned a lot.  I'm thankful the Church issued its statement.  I'm also thankful the scriptures are full of examples for me to follow.

The Need to Understand Agency

It's Sunday morning.  I just finished getting ready for church, which starts in about half an hour.  As I was doing my hair, I was listening to the scriptures.  I was listening to 2 Nephi.

As I was listening, I was receiving guidance. I was also comforted by a feeling of peace. I felt as if a set of caring arms or the softest blanket in the world was being placed around me.

Then this thought came to me:  you need(ed) to learn the importance or value of agency.  Then my thoughts went to the fact that you learn best when you experience something yourself.  We must gain a testimony and a working knowledge of the importance, value and absolute necessity of agency.  How else can/could we have the courage and faith necessary to let it be the governing principle that it is.

It's a tough thing for a person like me to learn.  It's a tough thing for a person like me to realize, that in some situations, there is nothing I can do to help, and that another's decisions are not due to the fact that I failed in some way.  Tough things to learn, but necessary.

Pure Joy!!!

My husband and I went on a walk this morning.  We walked along a canal in our neighborhood that  has a greenbelt on one side.

As we were walking home, I noticed three dogs playing in the greenbelt.  As I watched them I noticed one of the dogs was weird.  He pranced and his head was too big for his body.  I mentioned it to my husband.  He said it looked like a cartoon dog.

As we got closer we went over to the side and looked more closely at this weird dog.  Then it dawned on us.  This wasn't a dog. We asked the man standing next to the three "dogs" if this weird dog was a donkey.  He said yes.  This baby donkey was only 4 weeks old.

I have never seen anything or anyone ever exhibit such pure joy.  

He was prancing . . . delightedly . . . continually . . . and with no observed effort. I watched in amazement.  It brought a smile to my face.

As we continued our walk I thought about what that donkey would be like when he was fully grown.  Would he be stubborn, mean and hard to get along with, like most donkeys? I wondered what happens to donkeys, from birth to adulthood, that changes them so.

Then, I posed the same question to myself.  About me.  About other humans.  What happens?  What can we do about it?  As we read in the scriptures, "Adam fell that man might be and men are that they might have JOY."

Let's look for joy and start prancing . . . at least inside our homes!

Being Positive or Lesson Learned From Poorly Attended Meetings

For  years I've heard, read and been told, in a variety of settings, that it is better to be positive than negative.  Of course.  That's a no brainer.  Everyone knows that.  Right? Right.

As a mother I've tried to work on that.  At times I've been sort of successful with it.  At other times I've failed miserably.  In parenting I've always felt there was a conflict with that philosophy.  I know we are supposed to be positive, but I also know that we are supposed to teach, correct and direct.  For me, that has always included the need to express appreciation for what was done, mention what was done wrong, show how to do it right and then praise for doing it correctly or for at least trying to.

Recently I was in two similar settings.  They weren't settings where I was "invested".  I wasn't in charge of them and they didn't involve my family.  So, I wasn't emotionally attached or at risk.  Their success or failure wouldn't reflect upon me.

To be quite honest, both events had a poor turnout.  The number of people who were expected to come didn't.

At the first event the person in charge stood up and said the following, "I'm so disappointed we didn't have a better turnout".  When he said that it struck me in several ways.  One, it made me look around and realize there was a poor turnout.  Two, it made me feel like the event was unsuccessful.  Three, it made me wonder why I was there since so many others weren't. Four, I felt my attendance was unimportant.

At the second event the person in charge stood up and said the following, "I am so glad you're here.  This is wonderful!".  Wow!  What a difference.  His comments also struck me in several ways.  One, I felt lucky to be there. Two, I knew my presence was appreciated. Three, I was excited to be a part of that core group.

These two experiences really brought home to me the principle that you should always be positive.  Being negative not only doesn't help, anyone, it hurts, everyone.  I've thought a lot about those two experiences.  I think I had to be uninvested in order to learn, truly learn that principle.

I'm now trying to implement it fully in my life.  And I mean FULLY.

Our Oleander Trees

Our backyard is surrounded by oleander trees.  They are great trees.  They provide greenery all year round.  And in Arizona, that is wonderful.  In the spring they burst with beautiful white flowers.  Some of our oleander trees have begun to bloom.  Others are laden down with buds.

Yesterday the wind was really blowing.  I looked into the backyard and saw some of our oleander trees bending under the weight of their heavily bud-laden branches.  I worried that maybe the wind would be too much for them and they would break.

They didn't.

And today, those trees are covered with beautiful white blossoms.

I thought about that, and, of course, compared it to our lives.  The winds will blow.  We're told that.  It is never if they will blow, but when. When we feel those winds in our lives or see them blowing in our children's lives, worries arise.

I think we often don't see our burdens as "buds"--something hard that is going to produce something beautiful.  Instead, they feel like heavy burdens that are going to break us when those winds come.  But, if we are patient and steadfast, the winds stop and the blossoms come.

Me? Writing a Blog?

Hi.  I can't believe I'm writing a blog.  I am a VERY private person.  That's why I never did facebook.  But, over the weekend I had a strong impression that I should start a blog.  I fought that feeling.  I tried to convince myself that writing it in a journal, where no one would ever see it, would be enough.  I wasn't very convincing.  So...here I am...writing a blog.

Let me introduce myself.   I was born in Great Falls, Montana.  I was pretty much raised in Salt Lake City, Utah.  I received my undergraduate degree in Political Science from the University of Utah.  I received my law degree from BYU.  I practiced law in Phoenix, Arizona for a couple of years.  For the past 25 years I've been at home raising my family and having them raise me.

Here is a picture of my family (this was from our most recent Christmas card).

Here is another picture.  We didn't use this as a card, but we thought about it.  Both pictures were taken the same day.  The picture taking day had some of those "smile, and act like we're a happy family" moments, but we also had a good time being together, mostly.

The two biggest things in my life are family and church.  I married Dan Barker in May 1983. We will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary next month.  We are returning to Hawaii, our honeymoon spot.  It will be the first time we've been back.

I have 5 children (Daniel 27, Allie 26, Nate 24, Malan 22 and Will 19). They have been the focus of my life.  Almost everything I've done has been with them in mind. I also have 3 grandchildren (LoraLee 4, Dewight 1, Triston 1--yes, they are twins, identical twins!).   I am truly grateful for them, all of them.

The other major thing in my life is my church.  I joined the Mormon church when I was 17--a junior in high school.  I grew up in Salt Lake, strongly disliking Mormons.  It would be easier to say that the Mormon lifestyle (family, togetherness, community, etc.) is what attracted me to join the church.  But, it wasn't.  Instead, it was a deeply personal religious experience.  That initial experience was followed by many more.  I came to know the Book of Mormon was written with God's help and, once again with God's help, translated by Joseph Smith.  Since I knew that was true, everything else in the church was true as well.

Since that junior year in high school, I have been a very active member of the Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) church.  I am sure many things on this blog will reflect that belief.

Well, enough of the introduction.  I'm not quite sure what I'll put on this blog.  But then again I'm not quite sure why I had such a strong impression to start it in the first place.  It will be interesting for me to watch it unfold.