Passing Away

My dad passed away on Saturday, June 1st.  My sister and I were in the room.  Our husbands were near by.  Dan and I flew up to Great Falls, Montana, where he lived, the day before.  We had known for 3 or 4 weeks that he was struggling, but until we landed on Friday, we didn't know the end was so close.

When we saw him on Friday night, he still recognized us. He wasn't able to say much, but we knew he knew we were there. We spent a few hours with him on Friday night and several hours on Saturday. Most of the time he was in a morphine assisted sleep.

After we returned from getting some dinner on Saturday, at about 6:00pm, we could tell he wasn't doing well. We called my sister to make sure she was coming over.  My dad was struggling to breathe. Dan and I both thought he might die, but I wasn't really prepared for it.

While my sister and I were sitting next to him, a thought came to my mind.  I wondered whether he felt like he could leave. I asked my sister what she thought. She then told him that he was free to go, that she would be okay and that he didn't need to stay and protect and provide for her anymore. (My dad had fulfilled that role for her at different times in her life.)

After my sister made those comments he opened his eyes wider than I'd ever seen them opened. He looked up from right to left several times in a very startled manner. Then he sat up in bed, winced in pain two times and then fell back down on the bed.

I tried to find a pulse, but couldn't. He was gone.

Within 5 minutes of my sister telling him he was free to go, he was gone.

That was the first time I had ever been with someone when they passed or died. I had always expected it to be a peaceful, spirit filled experience. It wasn't like that. That troubled me. For the next few hours I wondered why he didn't smile, reach for the light, say the name of someone who had previously passed, etc. That was what I'd expected.

Later that night, when I was praying, I asked Heavenly Father what had happened. Why wasn't it a peace-filled passing? The answer I received was, "He didn't understand what was happening."

That made me feel sad. I wish I had told him what to expect. I think I didn't because I didn't want to offend him. He wasn't LDS and only sporadically attended any church. Even if I had offended him, that would have been better than "not understanding what was happening" when he was passing.

I made a mistake. I won't make that same one in the future. I'll worry more about helping increase understanding than possibly offending.

An Unexpected Gift

We received an unexpected gift last night.  It was remarkable and will be remembered and cherished.

We are having a neighborhood donut party tonight.  Our family has had donut parties, it seems like, forever. We make the donuts and the toppings. Then people come and enjoy them.

Since the donut party is today, I had to make all the frostings yesterday.  Last night, about 7:00pm, I was still making the frostings and I was tired--really tired. Dan had fixed dinner for the kids. After one of the kids (our 19 year old) finished eating he offered to help.  Then Dan offered.  Then another child (our 22 year old)  did.  Finally the third child (our 27 year old) did as well.

I really appreciated the help. They unwrapped and cut up loads of Snickers bars and Reese's cups. The help was nice, but the effect of that help is what was unexpected and amazing. All of a sudden our entire home was filled with a tender and sweet spirit. It was almost tangible.  For a second I thought about turning on the TV to watch Derek Hough dance in the finals of DWTS, but quickly checked myself.  I wasn't going to lose this spirit no matter who was dancing.

It remained for at least a half an hour--until I realized I needed 6 more ounces of Snickers and another bottle of vanilla. I am so grateful for that moment in time. It was truly a gift.

Stake Temple Day

Yesterday was our Stake Temple Day.  For some that may not be a significant event.  For me it is huge.  It is something I look forward to, as much as any holiday.  Our stake focuses on the temple.

Ever since my husband has been Stake President, we have spent the entire day in the temple on Stake Temple Day.  That may sound daunting or overwhelming to some.  I'm sure it did to me the first time. But now, it fills me with a spirit of peace and longing.  We arrive early in the morning. Yesterday we got there before 5:00am.  We leave at night. Yesterday we left about 8:00pm.

At different times we have done various ordinances on that day.  The last three Stake Temple Days have been different.  Instead of performing ordinances, we wait in the foyer and greet stake members as they arrive. It has been an amazing experience. Throughout the day, hundreds of members from our stake come through the temple doors.

They are filled with love, devotion to the Lord and appreciation and dedication to the temple. It is an honor to greet them and share those feelings with them.

Being in the temple with our stake members has created a true feeling of family for me.  I am the only member of the Church in my family, so this extended stake family is so very important to me.

If you want to feel close to the Savior and to your "family", attend the temple.

The Need to Understand Agency

It's Sunday morning.  I just finished getting ready for church, which starts in about half an hour.  As I was doing my hair, I was listening to the scriptures.  I was listening to 2 Nephi.

As I was listening, I was receiving guidance. I was also comforted by a feeling of peace. I felt as if a set of caring arms or the softest blanket in the world was being placed around me.

Then this thought came to me:  you need(ed) to learn the importance or value of agency.  Then my thoughts went to the fact that you learn best when you experience something yourself.  We must gain a testimony and a working knowledge of the importance, value and absolute necessity of agency.  How else can/could we have the courage and faith necessary to let it be the governing principle that it is.

It's a tough thing for a person like me to learn.  It's a tough thing for a person like me to realize, that in some situations, there is nothing I can do to help, and that another's decisions are not due to the fact that I failed in some way.  Tough things to learn, but necessary.

Me? Writing a Blog?

Hi.  I can't believe I'm writing a blog.  I am a VERY private person.  That's why I never did facebook.  But, over the weekend I had a strong impression that I should start a blog.  I fought that feeling.  I tried to convince myself that writing it in a journal, where no one would ever see it, would be enough.  I wasn't very convincing.  So...here I am...writing a blog.

Let me introduce myself.   I was born in Great Falls, Montana.  I was pretty much raised in Salt Lake City, Utah.  I received my undergraduate degree in Political Science from the University of Utah.  I received my law degree from BYU.  I practiced law in Phoenix, Arizona for a couple of years.  For the past 25 years I've been at home raising my family and having them raise me.

Here is a picture of my family (this was from our most recent Christmas card).

Here is another picture.  We didn't use this as a card, but we thought about it.  Both pictures were taken the same day.  The picture taking day had some of those "smile, and act like we're a happy family" moments, but we also had a good time being together, mostly.

The two biggest things in my life are family and church.  I married Dan Barker in May 1983. We will be celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary next month.  We are returning to Hawaii, our honeymoon spot.  It will be the first time we've been back.

I have 5 children (Daniel 27, Allie 26, Nate 24, Malan 22 and Will 19). They have been the focus of my life.  Almost everything I've done has been with them in mind. I also have 3 grandchildren (LoraLee 4, Dewight 1, Triston 1--yes, they are twins, identical twins!).   I am truly grateful for them, all of them.

The other major thing in my life is my church.  I joined the Mormon church when I was 17--a junior in high school.  I grew up in Salt Lake, strongly disliking Mormons.  It would be easier to say that the Mormon lifestyle (family, togetherness, community, etc.) is what attracted me to join the church.  But, it wasn't.  Instead, it was a deeply personal religious experience.  That initial experience was followed by many more.  I came to know the Book of Mormon was written with God's help and, once again with God's help, translated by Joseph Smith.  Since I knew that was true, everything else in the church was true as well.

Since that junior year in high school, I have been a very active member of the Mormon (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) church.  I am sure many things on this blog will reflect that belief.

Well, enough of the introduction.  I'm not quite sure what I'll put on this blog.  But then again I'm not quite sure why I had such a strong impression to start it in the first place.  It will be interesting for me to watch it unfold.